Matthew 6

So it's been awhile...

Matthew 6 starts out a little like this, "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life... look at the birds of the air: they neither sow or reap, and yet your Heavenly feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?... But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you, Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

I don't know how often I'll be writing on here, but right now seemed like a good time. It's an opportunity for me to be real with you. To catch you up on my life briefly, I got engaged to the most wonderful man and have been immensely blessed by the Lord through him (and yes, he got the ring right). Wedding has been pretty smooth sailing and God bless both my mom and sister-in-law in taking on a lot of figuring things out. Health is still pretty much the same, we're going back and forth tweaking with things. And then I got hit with a freaking boulder of depression.

There's a tendency to hear someone say they're depressed and have the response of, "Oh, they went through something and they just need to get over it. It'll be fine." No. Nothing happened. I woke up and the heaviest weight was on my chest. Crying in the middle of conversations, crying brushing my teeth, crying because my mom made me get out of bed. An emotional and mental pain that I can't even put into words. If you've ever cried to the point it is physically painful, fetal position, can't catch your breath, almost screaming; you know what I'm talking about. The only thing I can't tell you is why.

Which, is also frustrating. Because if I could simply know the, "Why?" there, at least, would be some sort of path to begin to get better. My getting better path right now: crying with my Bible in the middle of the night, looking in front of me with my arms reached out, verbally asking Jesus for a hug. I want Him. I want to feel Him with me. Of course a lot of this is based on emotions, not facts, because everything I'm experiencing is emotional. When I don't feel the Lord, I feel neglect. "Why did you leave me alone in this?"

And I'm angry. I'm so mad that I was blessed with this answered prayer and the presence of the Lord while sitting in the passenger seat of my mom's Honda where everything went dark and I heard His voice say, "Thank you for trusting me in your waiting." But now I doubt that I can get through this pain? I have to go through my engagement season in pure agony? My fiancé not only has to witness it, but learn how to communicate, learn my limits, learn how to take care of me while I'm also trying to tend to him when I can't even tend to myself. It sucks and it's easier for me to just be mad and point fingers than spend time with the Lord and ask for help because I'm tired of asking.

I'm tired. I'm tired of really crappy friends, which funny enough, have mostly been Christians! I'm tired of this stupid epilepsy, tired of family strife, tired of doctor appointments, tired of having to make big life decisions, tired of the sense of no stability. I carry so much more than you know. There's things you carry that I don't know about and might sound way worse than things I listed. The Lord calls us to hand that all over to Him so that He's able to be the Lord of our lives. Which, I have and lived in that place. It's beyond all peace, easier to navigate things similar to this. I just don't know how long it'll take me to get back to it. I don't desire to put in the effort to do it.

I read Matthew 6, specifically the anxiety portion, and believe, "It's so much more complex than that." But is it? God already knows. He's the author of our lives. Who am I to question the all knowing, all loving, all good God and His intentions for my life? Sure, I can be mad, sad, in pain and ask, "Why?" But I know that He's looking at me, as His daughter, wanting me to trust that He has far better days for me than what this is. I know He doesn't want me to live in this. Just because I don't feel Him, doesn't mean He's not surrounding me. That the Holy Spirit is no longer alive in me.

There's almost this reassurance, I don't know how I'll receive it from Him. Maybe it'll simply be by being in His truth. The simple part of it is, I don't want to be alone in this. I want Him. The enemy is trying so hard to prevent that. The enemy hates that I'm getting married. The enemy knows exactly where to throw pebbles until it all crumbles. Maybe this entire post goes in circles because my mind is in scrambles. I can have the knowledge that the Lord loves me, but not feel like He does and that He's not fighting this war with me. That's the battle.

Be praying for me, my heart, and my mind. That He would reveal Himself in ways that I would be able to see. Also, to stay disciplined in reading my Bible as that's the only way I'll stay close to Him and to not neglect my prayer life. Because I'm good at praying for other people in my life that I love, but not for myself.

God bless you. And if this is you, has been, or will be (Lord willing it won't be), I see you and hear you. And so does He... even when it doesn't feel like it.